I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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