Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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