mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
