I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
