Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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