Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
there's paper in my vomit.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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