I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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