I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
