it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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