allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
