I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
