sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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