Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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