Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Four minutes until I can fart!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
