Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
