And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
