Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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