im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
