tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
