Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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