Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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