I smell stomach acid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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