I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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