My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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