Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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