we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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