also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
