Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.