News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.