So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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