I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
