my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
