i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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