some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
