I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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