I wish I could teleport
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Still dying that you shit outside
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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