omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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