he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
