Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
