his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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