I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize