So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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