Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
