I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
