how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
