Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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