Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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