my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
