i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
