If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
