Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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