Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
