I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
