Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
