I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
