You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
