Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
